Just ’cause things are slow, it doesn’t mean that WATCHMEN isn’t watching. So look out, we’re watching you.

Matt Chancey’s latest article on the connection between Mark and Jennifer Epstein to the Little Geneva kinists discloses a disturbing email from Mark Epstein to his former pastor. Here is a direct quote from the email:

Doug, allow me to make it perfectly clear that this issue of excommunication is not going to go quietly away. . . [Y]ou [have] opened the door for public discussion of your behavior. . . If I do not hear from you by then, I will assume that you desire I take this issue elsewhere. . . [Y]ou stand to lose far more than I do. . . . Doug, you know it only takes the touch of a button to find yourself in a similarly embarrassing situation as R.C. Sproul, Jr. Ask your IT folks how easy it is to reduce the . . . correspondence between us to Adobe [Acrobat] files, and then ask yourself if you want Jennifer’s letter of May 2005 seen side-by-side with your response. . .

Epstein’s email is disturbing for three reasons. First, he resorted to blackmail. Second, his threat looks remarkably similar to “Frank Vance’s” threat in the Ligonier affair. Third, Epstein wrote this email during the same month that “Frank Vance” initiated his harassment of Dick. Is this a coincidence? — Not when you remember that Ministry Watchman put those Adobe files on their website exactly as Epstein threatened.

We have already pointed out that Jennifer Epstein kept her inflammatory sidebar intact; now we see that her husband is no less devious than his wife and equally contemptuous of Christian decency.

Mark and Jennifer, we know that you read our site, so please read this: BCA did the right thing by removing you from the fellowship of the saints and WATCHMEN are thankful for your excommunication, because your works since then betrays two hard-hearted, cunning individuals bent on sin.

As our faithful readers know, Ministry Watchmen watches Ministry Watchman, who was really our second watch after we watched Harry Seabrook of Little Geneva start blowin’ kisses at the invisible WATCHMAN. Today we welcome the Iron Hare, who is a big fan of Harry’s. But the Iron Hare must feel like Bugs Bunny after his hero had a one-man white flight from the Internet following a wake-up call from Matt Chancey’s crack team of investigators. You see, Harry got a bad case of jack rabbit. Harry ran for the hills. Harry looks hairless.

In this post, however, we want to point out a minor detail that Matt Chancey didn’t report in his excellent piece “Did White Separatist Harry Seabrook Fake a Hack of His Own Website?” When Harry met Chancey, he began struttin’ on his site like a peacock in full bloom. On December 21, he wrote:

Hilarious! Just as I suspected. The thought of that genius [Matt Chancey] registering a website and working late into the night on Photoshop to design his website will have me smiling all the way through Christmas. Absolutely hilarious. And he doesn’t even have the good sense to take it down!

But four days later on Christmas (or perhaps even earlier), Harry began planning his exit strategy. We know this because of the date stamp on the image of the Google cache page that Chancey put on mrsbinoculars.com:

Harry “smiled all the way through Christmas,” Googling up his favorite porn

This means that when Harry met Chancey, he had “the good sense” to know he would have to take his website down. But Harry’s good sense had bad timing because Harry waited too long.

Harry had to pop off. He just couldn’t leave it alone. He simply had to gloat. And why not? Little Geneva had a Big Mouth for seven years. Why stop now? Especially before Christmas? So he wagged his tongue as he worked late into the night deciding which porn site would give his readers the biggest thrill. Hermaphrodites — yeah, that’s the one.

Harry Seabrook went out like he came in — shameless. The little man behind the curtain gave Little Geneva the perfect sendoff — genetically deformed human beings marked by abnormal gonads. That says it all. What a man.

When Harry met Chancey, he had the nerve to boast, “Absolutely hilarious!” But somehow we think the joke’s on him.

No, the title is not a stutter and it’s not a typo either; but be forewarned that if you found it offensive then this post will definitely offend you. It offended us and we wrote it! Regardless, this is Little Geneva’s recipe, though we changed the principal ingredient. Think of it as home cookin’ made just for you. But rather than dishing it out like deep fried chicken, we’ll spoon feed it in the form of a written theory.

F O R E H E A D

Theory: Kinists believe that their oversized foreheads give them larger brains and therefore greater thinking capacity than normal human beings, but they don’t understand that this particular physical symptom actually signifies mental retardation due to inbreeding instead of cerebral superiority due to race. Furthermore, said enlarged foreheads on kinists accounts for their predilection to mate with their own “kin” because their impaired mental capacity limits their ability to think outside the lines, or the family tree as the case may be. Consequently, kinists’ inbreeding defeats the very cause they claim to perpetuate because its practice creates a hopeless cycle of genetic degradation that permanently corrupts the prized gene pool over time. This generalization doesn’t apply to everyone with big foreheads, only kinists.

We realize that in saying this we have offended certain racists, but this logic is consistent with the hateful, stereotypical generalizations published by Harry Seabrook and his boyz in the hoodz, and as the self-declared WATCHMEN who watch all things related to WATCHMAN, we believe it is our responsibility to challenge our new kinist readers as they grope for hope after Little Geneva disappeared. We welcome civil comments from anyone ever insulted by Little Geneva, whether personally or racially. Please send them to WATCHMEN.

Welcome to those of you who Googled our website hoping to discover what happened to Little Geneva, which mysteriously turned ghost white over the weekend. You can read the details of their untimely departure here, at mrsbinoculars.com; but in a nutshell, they went the way of Granny and the Beverly Hillbillies after Matt Chancey uncovered their association with ministrywatchman.com, the embarrassing website hosted by a racist with klose kinist konnections. (Actually, the connections are direct; we just liked spelling the word “close” with a k to get the KKK effect.)

See ya, Harry!

However, unlike the Beverly Hillbillies, Little Geneva didn’t get cancelled by network executives concerned about low ratings; Little Geneva got cancelled by its owner, Harry Seabrook, who was concerned about standing in the bread line when Matt Chancey revealed that Harry works for a firm that frowns upon racists. Of course, Harry is a racist; but he enjoys feeding his pie hole more than insulting human beings made in the image of God. So he pulled the site.

You can read the incredible (and krazy) details at mrsbinoculars.com. It is an excellent site that has no relation to ours. But don’t forget: “Y’all come back now, y’hear?”

We have noticed a remarkable jump in our hits since Monday; if any of you are officers of Faith Presbyterian Church, then we urge you to familiarize yourselves with the information at mrsbinoculars.com. The host of the site, Matt Chancey, has been systematically exposing one fraud after another perpetrated by the enigmatic “Ministry Watchman,” the thus-far invisible man with whom Mark and Jennifer Epstein have worked to create the chaos that they suddenly asked you to help resolve.

And if Matt Chancey or any of his investigators have stumbled upon us, we suggest that you put an email “Contact” link on your site for others to get a hold you.

Thank you.

We have a confession to make: WATCHMEN wasn’t watching before we posted our last entry. You see, we never thought to check Jennifer Epsten’s blog to confirm that she acted in concert with her husband by pulling her whole site; we simply assumed that good faith mixed with common sense dictated such. We assumed wrong.

Jennifer yanked some (not all) of her archives and she left her incendiary sidebar intact so that the entire world could see her loaded table of contents and her link to Ministry Watchman, who happened to post an article today with a self-serving email from the Epsteins to Fishey that takes a few gratuitous shots at the party with whom they seek reconciliation.

Mark and Jennifer, you two are a real treat. You really do deserve each other.

Well, we don’t know about you, but we’re dizzy from watching events unfold since last Friday. This reminds us of a famous quote from the NFL Hall of Fame football coach Hank Stram, who said, “There are three kinds of men who play the game — There’s the kind who make things happen; there’s the kind who watch things happen; and there’s the kind who say, ‘What the hell happened?’” We can’t wait for the next CIA report because with all our watching, we’re not sure what happened.

But we are sure of this. The Epsteins found refuge in a real church with a real name and apparently dropped Peacemakers. Given that the last nine months appear completely scripted to us, this move looks like their planned safety net for a worst-case scenario, in case things went bad, and no doubt Matt Chancey’s brilliant discoveries combined with Little Geneva’s sudden demise constituted just that — a worst-case scenario. Just because Mark and Jennifer don’t know if Fishey is pseudonym doesn’t mean that they can’t read the writing on the wall. But since a session of elders has formally intervened in this tawdry affair, we won’t make their difficult task harder by piling on. We will make three comments and be done with the Epsteins insofar as it is possible.

First, we want our readers (and there are lots of new readers) to note that we have been careful to not throw turds at the Epsteins; rather, we have treated them with dignity and appealed to their reason. Additionally, throughout all this we have been careful to ping only three parties — WATCHMAN, Little Geneva, and the Epsteins — because we wanted to limit our audience. (Technically, we can’t ping Chancey, so we can’t say for sure if he has noticed us; however, given his thoroughness we suspect he has.) We believe that we have valid points for certain people whom we have addressed respectively.

Second, if the Epsteins did script this move, then we will save others the awkwardness of noting the obvious. The Epsteins are smart people. They knew in advance that a healthy church would insist that they pull their blogs in good faith before they entered into peace negotiations on their behalf. They also knew that once the negotiations began, one of the up-front terms would be that the other side, i.e. BCA, would have to agree to keep a lid on it as well, which would provide instant cover for the Epsteins from any embarrassing fallout after the CIA finishes his investigation. In other words, now that the Epsteins have pulled their blogs without apology, gushing about “the path of purity and peace,” Matt Chancey will look like the bad guy if he doesn’t put a sock in it, even though he would only be finishing what the Epsteins started — if they conspired with WATCHMAN. Given this scenario, these two are a couple of conniving manipulators who deserve each other.

Third, we find it increasingly difficult to attribute pure motives to the Epsteins ever since they aligned themselves with WATCHMAN. In fact, the more we think of them, the less we think of them. Too much doesn’t add up and this sentence in Mark Epstein’s parting note reinforces our suspicions:

Although Ministry Watchman isn’t under our control, we will formally request that they likewise take offline the articles about us by Charles Fisher.

Irresponsible, evasive rhetoric such as this from an otherwise bright guy rubs our fur the wrong way, especially with all his grandiose posturing and verbose pontificating. We believe that if Mark had any sincerity he would have included an apology for hooking up with Fishey in the first place. But that’s all we’ll say. The Epsteins are someone else’s problem now and we admire the brothers at Faith Presbyterian Church for their counsel, which resembles something we read elsewhere.

Moving right along, we are also sure that if the Epsteins did conspire with WATCHMAN, as appears to be the case, then they should rest assured that he will roll on them in a heartbeat. WATCHMAN is a slithering reptile, lower than Harry Seabrook if such a thing is possible, and if he has evidence proving that the Epsteins coordinated their efforts with him, he will publish it on another hit site faster than they can say binoculars. If this is the case, we’re certain that he has already served them notice because WATCHMAN believes in holding others accountable, not himself.

Finally, with all of the dizzying events of the last week, we don’t want our readers to think that WATCHMEN have not noticed that WATCHMAN has been watching invisibly since January 5, which was the last time that one of his multiple personalities posted a comment on one of his hard-hitting fabricated stories. Ironically, he named this person “Sick of It,” three words that summarize everyone’s feelings about him. All feelings aside, however, we wonder where WATCHMAN went because wethinks we hear the words, “Run! Peter, run!” echoing from a little Genevan hiding place all the way to Virginia (or is it Tennessee?), because with Harry and the Epsteins gone . . . well . . . as the saying goes, “And then there was one.”

We sincerely apologize to Matt Chancey, host of mrsbinoculars.com, for referring to his team as “amateur detectives” and “Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys.” For the record, we meant no disrespect. We simply wanted to make a colorful comparison between your blameless investigative technique and WATCHMAN’s fraud. At the time, we thought you were amateurs, and Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys represented to us the essence of harmless investigators. Now we know better. So we apologize to you, and we do so for two reasons.

Jack Ryan

First, you look more like Jack Ryan in a Tom Clancy novel than any character written for a twelve-year-old audience. And, second, we apologize because we don’t want you sniffin’ us out like you did Epstein and Seabrook. If you caught their scent and nailed them with such ease, then we can only imagine how many clues we left you if you wanted our hides. You’re all aces in our book; Ace Ventura has nothing on you. In fact, we now dub you the CIA, which is short for the “Chancey Intelligence Agency.” Congratulations on a job well done!

This leads us to WATCHMAN. Hey buddy, if Seabrook really did pull the plug on the Little Gene Pool, then we were dead wrong with this post. It looks like he cut the Gordian Knot by wasting the whole site — lot, stock, and auction block, which is much better than maintaining his cyber abomination (cybermation) and rolling on you. The CIA got a little too close to home for Seabrook’s Southern comfort; they caught him at work. Ouch!

But while all this went down, Mark and Jennifer Epstein started posturing themselves as peacemakers, which is really disappointing because “posturing” is the operative term. If you two really wanted peace, you would not have declared war in the first place. But now you announce to the world that you’ve “solicited some outside help to assist” you in editing “inflammatory and uncharitable” comments against your former pastor. We wonder if you mentioned to your certified counselors that you joined forces with WATCHMAN, the kinist who wants to bury his ax in Doug Phillips’ skull. We doubt it.

We’ll make it easy for you and save Peacemakers’ time. If you really need someone to tell you what to edit from your four websites (not counting all of WATCHMAN’s sites), then you’re not interested in peace because your blogs look like war zones! It’s obvious that you’re exploiting Peacemakers’ good reputation as a PR tool to save face. They’ll figure this out soon enough. In the meantime, however, you two look worse by the minute, which makes it nearly impossible to believe anything you say. Hang it up and search your souls. Something is really wrong.

But there are a couple lessons here. The first thing we learn is that even the boyz in hoodz know when to wave the white flag. Harry didn’t renounce his hood, though, which is a problem. He simply made a calculated decision to save his bacon. Apparently he prefers eating dinner to propagating racist ideology, which shows that his kinism is really a matter of principle — NOT! Nevertheless, we suggest that he take heed to Father Abraham before Father Lee (Luke 16:31); we also remind him that the Grey Fox surrendered with honor, unlike the dirty rodents who claim to honor him.

The second thing we learn is that the CIA has prioritized their targets, which doesn’t bode well for WATCHMAN and the Epsteins. Sometimes you have to run the table before you drop the eight ball, and with Little Geneva gone the felt suddenly looks sparse. Honestly, this is like watching the hunt for Bin Laden. So the only question in our minds is who’s next — WATCHMAN or the Epsteins? (By the way, the CIA has definitely relegated us to spectator status. WATCHMEN now watches WATCHMAN from the nosebleed section of the bleachers.)

The third thing we learn is that God’s grace extends to the worst of sinners. We know this by personal experience, but we observe this as we watch Him grant the Epsteins and WATCHMAN one more opportunity to pull their websites with humility, before the CIA obliterates them as he did Danny Boy and Little Geneva. If the Epsteins want peace, they should sue for it immediately with a complete confession. If not, they should expect the CIA to continue exposing the wicked works of darkness, which includes their Fishey scheme. And that doesn’t look like a “they lived happily ever after” ending.

WATCHMAN is another story. He’s harder than Pharaoh and blinder than Bartimaeus. What can you say about a coward who hides behind anonymity to smear good reputations on the worldwide web? He’s bad seed, plain and simple. Nevertheless, like Pharaoh, he has a chance to repent before the Red Sea crushes him. We would love to see it happen — but we suspect it won’t. Men who sin against light in the name of Christ seldom repent. So, once again, we remind WATCHMAN to watch out. You cannot presume upon grace any more than you can assume you’ll never get caught. And if we traced you to your pal Harry, then we’re certain that the CIA (whom we’ve never met) has a bead on you. This compels us to quote Harry’s last words to you, “God bless you and farewell.” It’s over.

Dear Mark and Jennifer Epstein:

Your work first caught our attention during last year’s blogsplosions. Before then, no one from WATCHMEN ever heard of you. Mark, we did not examine your archives but rather scanned them and noticed what appeared to be a levelheaded approach to current events, etc. You struck us as a sharp thinker who could clearly articulate his thoughts in writing. We spent even less time reading your wife’s blog but what little we read indicated she is an equally competent thinker and a fine helpmeet to you.

These observations are just another way of saying that you two piled up a lot of capital in WATCHMEN’s bank of credibility. We had no idea that Boerne Christian Assembly excommunicated you; we never even heard of Boerne Christian Assembly. Sure, we heard of Doug Phillips and Vision Forum. Every homeschooler in America has seen their polished catalogues selling everything from Puritan reprints to Daniel Boone coontail caps. But we would guess that most people were like us, not connecting VF with the leadership of a Christian church let alone your excommunication.

So while we heard of you during last year’s blogsplosions, your approach to blogging appeared much more responsible than the fool masquerading as “Frank ‘your name will be mud’ Vance.” Your posts addressing the Sproul suit seemed reasonable, though we don’t agree with your interpretation of 1 Corinthians 6 and we wondered why you didn’t question Frankie’s blatant contempt for biblical process. Nevertheless, you didn’t resort to name-calling and you actually used your real names, unlike the coward who fabricated the original defamatory story in the first place. You were above the fray.

All of this changed, however, when you retained Ministry Watchman, aka “Frank Vance,” to tell the story of your alleged unbiblical excommunication. We would have listened to Mark and Jennifer Epstein if you told us your story, because we already did listen to you on other matters. This is what makes your case so incredible. If you really got jacked by BCA, then you should have disclosed the facts on your blogs with the same dispassionate analysis that gave your archives such credibility.

But you didn’t do that. You publicly aligned yourself with a malicious ghost — “Frank Vance” — who stood against every biblical virtue that you espoused. And now, the only two real people with real names and real faces that anyone can identify with the embarrassingly unbiblical Ministry Watchman are Mark and Jennifer Epstein — the husband and wife who at one time strenuously advocated biblical procedure.

Worse yet, we learned details about your marriage from a coward hiding behind a pseudonym who made his bad reputation by libeling a well-known Christian ministry on the worldwide web. Unfortunately, this same craven fraud also informed us of your excommunication, apparently intending to scandalize BCA as he scandalized Ligonier — sans Bible — and you inexplicably endorse this cad’s method.

Then there’s the big mess spawned by Mrs. Binoculars and Danny Boy. You have to admit that Mrs. B’s hairdo, nose, and cheeks look remarkably similar to Mrs. Jennifer Epstein’s hairdo, nose, and cheeks. It makes us say, “Hmmmm.” And what about the brilliant discoveries documented by mrsbinoculars.com after WATCHMAN went into cover-up mode, lying every step of the way? You have to admit that WATCHMAN didn’t watch himself. If WATCHMAN really wants to hold Christian ministries accountable, then why has he not accounted for Mrs. B’s findings?

Oh, then there’s the racism thing. In a previous post, we linked to a blog entry at Little Geneva that chastised WATCHMAN for working with two Jews. That’s you two. You see, Little Geneva doesn’t like Jews. They don’t like blacks either. And they don’t like Mexicans. In fact, they don’t like anyone whose skin isn’t bright white and who doesn’t agree with their backwoods, inbred kinism. So when they see the postfix “stein” on a name, they think “Jew,” which is just another category like “nigger” to them. In short, the Little Geneva folk are bad folk who say and do bad things; and they’re in tight with WATCHMAN, an avowed kinist.

Finally, we have to note Jennifer’s argument about WATCHMAN’s anonymity:

Although I don’t know if the authors at Ministry Watchman write under their own names or under pseudonyms as alleged in this statement, I do know that RC Sproul’s Ligonier Ministries filed a lawsuit against Christian blogger (and Ministry Watchman writer) Frank Vance. I also know that Doug Phillips has threatened to sue us and others. Under the circumstances — Christian public figures who refuse to obey the command in I Corinthians 6 to refrain from suing fellow Christians — it could be very prudent for Ministry Watchman contributors to write under pseudonyms. I certainly don’t fault them if they have chosen to do so.

Mark, your wife needs instruction. If she really doesn’t know that “WATCHMAN” is a pseudonym, then there is much more wrong here than we have already documented. And if she believes that WATCHMAN uses phony names to protect himself from lawsuits, then it’s even worse.

It goes like this. Our founding fathers adopted the First Amendment, which people commonly refer to as “freedom of speech” or “freedom of the press.” The First Amendment grants freedom of speech to everyone and it protects everyone from sinful people who abuse their freedom to deliberately malign others with defamatory falsehoods. But the threshold for proving defamation in a court of law is exceedingly high. First, the plaintiff must establish actual defamation. Second, he must prove that the respondent acted with malice. Third, the plaintiff must demonstrate actual damage that resulted directly from the defamation, and most juries pay no attention to hurt feelings. All of this is to say that if someone speaks the truth, then no one can prevail against them in a suit.

So if WATCHMAN’s stories were true and someone sued him, the plaintiff could not satisfy the burden of proof. Furthermore, WATCHMAN could recover his attorney’s fees. And all of this would be front-page news, the kind of news a real journalist with a legitimate story would love. In this case, WATCHMAN’s hits would soar and his victory in court would finish the plaintiff, ministry et al. That is the goal, isn’t it? — to kill Ligonier Ministries and Vision Forum for their alleged corruptions?

But WATCHMAN hides his identity precisely because he knows the falsehoods in his stories expose him to huge liability in a libel suit. He essentially admits this every time he documents his fear of getting sued; his background as a “paralegal” will inform the jury against him that he uses a pseudonym because he understands the legal consequences of his behavior. In legalese, WATCHMAN has acted with reckless disregard for the truth; in plain English he’s in a buttload of trouble.

The issue is not whether Christians should sue professing Christians; the issue is whether professing Christians should hide behind anonymity to defame the brethren on the worldwide web. The issue is WATCHMAN’s persistent libel. None of these blogsplosions would have happened if “Frank Vance” didn’t launch Scuds at Ligonier last year. Don’t forget, WATCHMAN still has not proved one allegation against Ligonier.

But this open letter is to Mark and Jennifer Epstein. You need to take responsibility. You invited a lying coward to tell your story and this has utterly ruined your credibility and your reputation. It’s sad but true. If a Christian ministry abused you, then you should not have aligned yourselves with a so-called ministry that is no less abusive and unbiblical than the things you decry. You defiled your testimony by placing it alongside all of the fabrications on Ministry Watchman, and all of your cheerleading on the blog sidelines simply adds to the shame.

If your allegations are true, which we sincerely believe is not possible, then you should wait for the judge of all the earth to acquit you rather than the bonehead who won’t even use his real name. Either way, we urge you to close your blogs and learn discretion. You blew your capital in matters of “Ultimate Truth.”

Sincerely,

W A T C H M E N

Dear Ministry Watchman,

We’re not particularly fond of open letters. They tend to be ostentatious and self-serving, usually at the recipient’s expense. For example, this open letter drips sap all over the page as the writer grieves that God raised him up to bring down his addressees:

I wish to express my sorrow over the fact that you men were defrocked by the Westminster Presbytery of the Reformed Presbyterian Church, General Assembly. I take no delight in that. Nor was it in any way pleasurable to bring forth the plethora of evidence and testimony that overwhelmingly demonstrated that you men are unfit for the office of Elder. . . . I have never doubted or regretted the fact that it needed to be done. However, I do regret the fact that it was I who had to do it. I agonized for weeks and asked the Lord to raise up another man. Yet, so many others had come and gone before me and, rather than confronting you men for your tyrannies and unethical business practices, they evaded their biblical responsibilities (Mat 18:15-17) and just left St. Peter Presbyterian Church, almost always with cover stories and phony excuses. This resulted in only emboldening you men further. It became apparent to me that if I didn’t rise to the task then probably no one ever would. But what an unpleasant task it was!

“I agonized for weeks and asked the Lord to raise up another man.” Talk about a bad case of self-fixation. Now that’s unpleasant. Yuck! We hope he recovered from his agony. Honestly, if you have to write an open letter, don’t tell us the wonders of your glory; make your point and put a sock in it.

Or read the first line in this piece of drivel. Okay, so it’s not an open letter, but we hate to see syrup like that go unnoticed. Please pass the pancakes.

This open letter is a dilly. The author rewrote history to score a few PR points, such as this: “Both cases could have and should have been resolved through Christian mediation, not in the civil courts.” Pleeeeeze.

Frankie, booby, you never wanted mediation. You wanted strife. You wanted conflict. You wanted tittle-tattle. That’s why you took every precaution necessary to elude personal accountability, which enabled you to hide safely in cyberspace casting aspersions at Ligonier Ministries with impunity. Read your archives. You ditched scriptural process. You created the need for mediation by repudiating biblical principles. You provoked them on the worldwide web specifically hoping that they would seek relief from the Civil Magistrate. But when they gave you what you wanted, you got all pietistic on us, pretending to be a victim who believed in 1 Corinthians 6.

No, open letters aren’t our style. They’re usually scripted to manipulate the public rather than address the persons identified by name. We prefer direct face-to-face communication between two parties speaking in plain, unambiguous language. This, however, appears to be an alien concept to you. Consequently, you forced us to publish this open letter.

In one of the Dirty Harry movies, Clint Eastwood said to the bad guy, “A man’s got to know his limitations.” And then he blew his head off.

The moral of this story is simple. Quit while you’re a head.

You see, the fine team of amateur detectives at Mrs. B’s just blew your head off. This happened to your head. This happened on your watch. This happened to your masthead on your watch, man. BLAMMO!

Since then, Mrs. B has nailed you every step of the way. She exposed your Epstein connection, so you committed fraud to cover it up. Then she caught you again, so you issued a half-baked apology about copyright infringement that ignored the point and aggravated your guilt. Then she caught you backdating a second counterfeit photo site (or was that before the apology?), so you did nothing. It’s obvious who’s doing the investigative work around here.

It looks like an odd combination of incompetence and spite has motivated you from the beginning, and your refusal to meet with those whom you smear combined with your persistent fraud will relieve certain attorneys of the burden to prove your malice. The jury will stipulate it gladly. And since your ridiculous apology concedes potential liability in a lawsuit, you should know that you just ran the damages into seven figures and a box of diapers. The seven figures will go to the plaintiffs as a judgment against you and the box of diapers to the jury because they’ll be laughing so hard at your ineptitude that they’ll drop a load in their pants. They’ll probably hold their noses and quote you, “This is simply unacceptable.”

Do you feel lucky, Punk?

You admit that your “technical skills are somewhat lacking.” No kidding, Sherlock. Tell us something we don’t know. Any hack with Photoshop for Macintosh—Image Conversion Plug-in could do your lousy work. Whoopteedoo. We suggest that you ask Mrs. B’s amateur graphic artist to paste their animated gif of Mrs. Epstein into your masthead. Hopefully, this will save them the time of punching holes in your next fraud and it would save you the time of perpetrating it.

But your limitations are not limited to technical skills; they include a deficient moral capacity. There’s definitely something wrong with you and you clearly do not recognize it. Here’s a tip: put down the binoculars and look in the mirror. This way you can see what everyone else in the world sees — YOU’RE A FAKE.

Yes, Watchman, you are fake all the way around. You use fake names to manage an ugly site that publishes bogus stories written by phony authors making specious arguments built on fabricated evidence so that tons of fake names can post fake comments. You are a fake, Fake, FAKE!

But there are a couple of positives in all this. First, your 15 minutes of fame might include a few months in the slammer, and hopefully your slamming days won’t be limited to one state either. Second, your attorney can be the first man in the history of American jurisprudence to raise the “Stupidity Defense,” which is like the Twinkie Defense without the sugar rush. “Yer Honor, my client pleads not guilty by reason of stupidity. Believe me, Judge, he’s a real idiot.”

For Pete’s sake, Vance, you need a reality check. Too bad for you the only check in your future is the award you’ll sign to Vision Forum and Ligonier Ministries. They’re gonna bury you.

No one will write any letters quoting 1 Corinthians. Everyone will write the judge asking him to throw the book at you with all his might. And you know what, Fishey? You deserve it.

We retract our previous request for you to apologize to those whom you offended because you appear utterly bereft of conscience. So, please, just pull your fake site and go away.

Happy New Year,

W A T C H M E N

Due to internal “accountability” issues, ministrywatchmen.com seeks a competent webmaster who is skilled at lying and will help them evade detection for the sake of eluding accountability. They promise to keep his identity confidential if they need to throw him overboard. He must be a white Reformed kinist with a gmail account, a transparent pseudonym, a working knowledge of WordPress, and familiarity with Internet copyright infringement laws. He must not steal images, such as the ghost to the right (we took it from the KKK site), and he must be able to route emails through Germany before they arrive in the US. Please send your application to Watchman.

It looks like the boyz in the hoodz can’t decide whether they’re black or white. On Friday, Badonicus (he is to Little Geneva what R.C. Junior is to Senior) called for Ministry Watchman’s head, saying, “they’ve pretty much lost all credibility and destroyed themselves overnight,” but on Saturday LG Senior gave Watchman a big fat bodacious plug. C’mon boyz, make up your mind. Are you black or are you white?

In the meantime the kowardly Watchman kontinues to pad his komments but he refuses to apologize. He must be too busy holding everyone akkkountable. Well, he should kount on Genève Petite pullin’ the plug. Nuttin’ lasts forever. Some dogs just kan’t hunt. And even kinists know when to burn a bridge instead of a kross. Frank, Hank, Chuck, and Tom will be left all alone by himself. Do you really want Ligonier Ministries and Vision Forum looking for you? What then?

Save some face and pull the site now. The search engines haven’t picked us up yet and we won’t have to publish our extra hard-hitting exposé of the real Frank Vance. We got yer number. We’ll stop watchin’ if you stop.

Define “ironic.” How ’bout a self-established “ministry” designed to hold Christian ministers accountable for their unaccountable deeds but refuses to account to anyone in its quest to safeguard the Christian church from unaccountable ministries.

Oh, we forgot the whole pseudonymous thing. Or is it anonymous? Let’s see, pseudonyms are false names, or pennames, and anonymous is unknown. But what’s the word for an unknown person who uses a pseudonym to hide their identity so they can stand in the gap like brave soldiers and force everyone else to be accountable? — “Ministry Watchman.” Yeah, that’s the one.

How does the pseudonymous and/or anonymous Ministry Watchman hold others accountable? Well, in the Ligonier Ministries case he (at the time he called himself “Frank Vance”) badgered Tim Dick via email for several months, calling him names, harassing him, and generally being an overall nasty fellow, which culminated with an outrageous, unsubstantiated accusation that Dick swindled Don Kistler out of Soli Deo Gloria. Here’s how Frank Vance notified Tim Dick of his accusation:

I’ll give you ten days Tim to take care of it and to FULLY and COMPLETELY restore the man and make him whole. Otherwise I’m going public and I’m quite confident that there are others who’ll quickly pick up on the story as well. Your name will forever be mud.

We like the “Your name will be mud” part because it underscored Frank Vance’s integrity as he pursued biblical due process in a scriptural manner. His tender affection warms the cockles of our hearts. Well, not really. Actually, it reeks of blackmail and sounds like a threat, and we’re not sure how to distinguish it from the abusive oppression that got R.C. Sproul Junior defrocked. In fact, it resembles the kind of thuggish tyranny that Ministry Watchman ordained himself to save us from. O please save us, WATCHMAN! Save us from unaccountable ministers who act like you!

While you’re at it, you might want to consult the Bible, starting with Galatians 6:1 — “Restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted.” Most Christians agree that blackmail, manipulation, and extortion don’t comport with this text. And since you call yourselves “Reformed,” you should bring your accusation along with witnesses and evidence to the church court that holds his membership, which is a step that might stumble phantoms who prefer anonymity, but the Bible does require this.

Finally, after you’ve followed due process by making your case in a Christian court, you may rest confident that you fulfilled your biblical obligation by seeking to restore your brother and, at the same time, you remained above reproach by showing the world you hold yourself accountable to the Scriptures. However, if you continue to sin against the very procedure that you claim to defend, then God has ordained the Civil Magistrate to capture you, throw you in prison, and hold you there until you have paid the uttermost farthing.

And then we’ll get to see your real name.

We are the MINISTRY WATCHMEN. We watch the watchers and we watch whose watching the watchers while the watchers watch away. Whatcha think, nobody else could ordain themselves the holy elect self-anointed ministry of watching? If so, we have two words for you — “WATCH OUT!”

You see, all of our watching led us to create this website because we suspected something amiss with Ministry Watchman when lo and behold we discovered that Little Geneva asserted the following with all the confidence of an insider:

But how will it look for them if Ministry Watchman proves in the next few days that due process was not followed; that the family in question was excommunicated without a trial; that all existing documentation supports the family’s case? Then we’ll know why due process is such a pain in the neck for tyrants. It’s so hard to convene an honest kangaroo court these days.

Ken Kinist; our top writer

LG’s prediction piqued our curiosity for two reasons. First, the boyz in the hoodz were as sure as white on rice, and second, they did it two days before Ministry Watchman published its earth-shattering story — you know, the report that confirmed Ministry Watchmen doesn’t take care to interview primary witnesses before they make outrageous accusations on a global platform in a thoroughly unbiblical manner. Well, they didn’t put it quite that way. But what lynch mob ever tells the truth? Certainly not the Ministry Watchman. They have all they need between some rope and a neck, and any neck will do as long as it’s a white integrationist’s. “Hang ’em high,” they say, proving beyond a reasonable doubt that they hold due process with more contempt than they hold biblical process. Of course they lynched BCA for failure to follow due process.

By the way, did anyone notice that Ministry Watchman conceals their identities from those they accuse thereby denying them the right to face their accusers? How brave. How credible. Hey Fishey, why don’t you have your pal Vance nominate you for a Pulitzer? Next stop 60 Minutes.

And here’s a little tip for your consideration. If your “ministry” calls you to slander and libel right and left, then don’t be surprised when your victims seek relief from the Civil Magistrate. This concept is so easy to follow that even Billy Bob at the Little Gene Pool can grasp it.

Ken’s kousin, Billy Bob

Listen up. When people build their names by ruining other people’s names, falsely accusing them of sensational sins, then they should expect most of Christendom to question their profession of faith. And when they hold Inquisition on the Internet, sullying one man after another without proof, witnesses, or accountability, they force everyone to the same conclusion — they are railers, not Christians (1 Cor. 5:11).

So don’t be surprised when your victims ask the Civil Magistrate to intervene. The First Amendment doesn’t trump the Ninth Commandment and most states still outlaw libel. Then there’s the Westminster Confession of Faith, which you claim to subscribe. It states:

God, the Supreme Lord and King of all the world, hath ordained civil magistrates to be under him over the people, for his own glory and the public good; and to this end, hath armed them with the power of the sword, for the defense and encouragement of them that are good, and for the punishment of evil-doers. (Chapter XXIII, “Of the Civil Magistrate”)

Got that, Frank, Fishey, Hank, and Tommy; God appointed the Civil Magistrate “for the defense and encouragement of them that are good, and for the punishment of evil-doers.” Libelers are “evildoers.” You boyz commit libel. You do it every day on the worldwide web, and you do it in the name of Christ. Therefore, God ordained the Civil Magistrate to protect society from you by punishing you. And Christians have a right to ask “the deacon of God” to apply his sword to your website (Rom. 13:4), which would be a deliverance for everyone.

So please give us a reason to believe that you really believe the things you affirm (not counting the libel), and you can start by writing gracious apologies to all those you smeared with your baseless accusations and the exceedingly sinful way that you made them. Then return to the backwoods from whence you came.